Espada Elegies
by TheArchon
Summary: Ulquiorra, the garbage man. Struggling to make a living of his own in the human world. Possibly UlqXLili in future chapters, nothing is certain yet. Chapter 2 Up! R&R!
1. The Garbage Man

**Espada Elegies**

**From the Author:** Greetings, fellow readers of the Bleach section. First of all, I don't own Bleach, it is a property of Tite Kubo. Second, don't hate me because I am planning to write an outrageous, obscene, humorless parody about the franchise. Randomness is my most powerful weapon and I have a lot of ideas for crossovers on my mind, so don't be too taken aback. I don't know how you'll interpret this piece of fiction, but the most important thing you have to keep in mind when reading it is that you are not supposed to take it seriously. Don't yell at or flame me because I put your favorite character in this or that embarassing situation. Please, take it as a _joke_. Everything here is meant to be taken as a joke, so don't get offended if you find something that might be insulting to your nationality, religious beliefs, etc. I'll be thankful if you review when done reading.  
I also don't own Linkin Park.

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Chapter One:** The Garbage Man**

A pale-skinned man stared down with disdainful verdant eyes at the repulsive sight in front of him.

"Trash like you…" He started and slowly raised his hand.

…

"Shouldn't exist."

…

With those words uttered out, he pulled the trash bag out of the trash can and threw it in the garbage truck with one swift motion. He sighed in boredom and climbed back in the driver's cabin and drove off several seconds later.

This was the last house in the neighborhood. After a tiresome nine-hour journey through this district of the city, his duties for the day were finally over. Ulquiorra grunted under his nose at the thought that he had to drive this mobile pile of rotting junk back to the other side of town.

Knowing his boss, he'd probably call him in his office to start another argument with him about that accident Ulquiorra has had with that old lady two days ago. But what could the former Espada do in that situation? From what he could remember of that brief and not-so-pleasant event, the old lady and her son were fighting over some dead cat that he had thrown out in the garbage can. The garbage man was just going to perform his duties as usual, when the woman suddenly threw herself at the garbage bin, embracing it tightly as if it was its firstborn child. She screamed and whined not to throw 'her little Ginny' on the dumpster. Back then, Ulquiorra had no idea what the granny was talking about and he just kindly asked her to release the garbage can. After the woman refused to do so, Ulquiorra tugged the bin out of the woman's grip. Unfortunately, the push was a little too strong, causing the woman to fall on her ill back. When her son saw what had happened, he charged towards the garbage man and planted a powerful fist in Ulquiorra's face. The woman and her son had filed a lawsuit against the former Espada, and of course, his employee wasn't one bit happy about it. If Ulquiorra still had his Arrancar powers, he'd have probably blasted a hole in that stupid asshole's chest.

He had considered the job of a garbage disposal worker a relatively simple one. Putting the health risk aside, the job bore no other hazards and offered a decent salary, which Ulquiorra found sufficient for his needs. The man had NEVER imagined that he might have to deal with something like this when he had been on this job for barely two months. He was probably the unluckiest trash collector in the world.

It was beginning to get dark and the public lighting was now turned out. Ulquiorra turned right and joined the flow of cars entering one of the busiest highways in the city. Hundreds of engines roared and smoked around him. The traffic-light was shining mockingly in red, as if to piss Ulquiorra off even more.

The former Espada's fingers tapped with his fingers on the wheel, his scowl deepened even more. The quiet, monotonous grumble of the garbage truck had faded into the background, Ulquiorra had stopped paying attention to the sound and the gentle trembling of the cabin. His foot was nervously stroking the connector.

The man leaned forward, eyeing the long line of cars, stretching five hundred feet to the juncture. He started having doubts that the drivers might have fallen asleep. Why the hell did that traffic-light take so long to change to green? What kind of a sick, sadistic imbecile had adjusted the timer on the traffic-lights in this juncture? It took 90 seconds for the damn light to change to green and that signal lasted for less than 20 seconds, and when there is a dumbass novice driver in the front who tries to set off in third gear and his engine goes out, which results in a flood of swears, curses and deafening horns coming from behind him, this period of 20 seconds is instantly reduced to the same number, but without the zero.

Ulquiorra turned the radio on. Linkin Park screamed out from the radio station.

"Caaaawling iiiin my skiiiin…"

Ulquiorra shivered in horror and instantly changed the frequency. His overt reaction of disgust towards the band would, for some unknown reason, surprise a lot of people who weren't acquainted with the man's character. His extraordinarily pale skin and melancholic look in the eyes instantly associated him, by the laws of stereotypes, with an introverted, unstable, pain-ridden persona with depressive and suicidal tendencies. People sometimes stared at his wrist, as if to check if there were scars and gashes across his veins.

In truth, Ulquiorra was far from the slobbery, crybaby emo type. This sentiment people misinterpret as melancholy in his eyes was simply boredom. Sheer, genuine Boredom with a capital B. He was a nihilist and a misanthrope who held no value for anything, completely indifferent to the events occurring around him. He had no family, no friends, no girlfriend, his job was considered a piece of shit by most people and he lived in a small apartment in the shabbiest part of town. His life was meaningless on an existential level, but that didn't mean that he wept and cried about it. He didn't feel sorry for himself. Ulquiorra had discovered this truth about life a long, long time ago and had accepted it without any anguish. He came in existence without being asked if he wanted to, he died without anyone asking him about it, then he was reborn as a Hollow without being asked for his permission. The only relief he got was when he could choose how to die: by Kurosaki Ichigo's hand. However, another thing he didn't desire was to be reborn, and this time as a human! A **freakin** human!! Had he sinned that much to be punished a fate such as this one? What were the chances of being reborn as one of the most pathetic species in all of existence?

He frowned and pressed the accelerator. The truck moved forward by several feet, then he stomped on the breaks, because the traffic-lights were shining red again.

When he woke up in this puny world, trapped in a puny body made of flesh, blood and bones, he looked around. He was butt-naked in a park and there were couples, mothers with their little kids, old people, all staring at him, dumbfounded and shocked. Without even bothering to blush under their astounded gazes, he got up on his feet and made a run for it towards the bushes. Ulquiorra needed a few minutes to find himself some clothes (he stole them from a drunk homeless guy on the street), then he sat down on a bench and carefully revolved in his mind on the situation. He was alone in the human world, his lord and comrades were either out of reach for him or destroyed, his Arrancar powers had disappeared, he had no money and no home to go to. The only thing he had were the memories of his former might, as if just to vex him with the fact how powerless and pathetic he was right now.

It has been four months since he ended up in this world. The USA, to be more accurate. The country of 'unlimited possibilities'. Unfortunately, the country obviously didn't offer much for people, who weren't registered as existent individuals, didn't have a passport, name, background, family, education and a home to go to. He didn't know how he managed to find himself an apartment; maybe he killed someone to get it.

Ulquiorra blinked. He remembered now: there was this obese middle-aged man who was obsessed with anime. It took ages to wash the blood off the walls, the former Espada didn't expect that there'd be that much blood in that barrel of a body. He threw away the shirts, because his dignity forbid him from wearing shirts with the signs 'Strike Withes' and 'Proud to be a weeaboo'.

Several horns snapped Ulquiorra out of his pensiveness. He stepped on it and finally crossed the juncture. He changed from second to third gear and moved down the avenue with the flow of cars in front of him.

Ulquiorra pushed the green cap up his forehead, as not to block his sight. The man didn't expect how easily human bodies can run out of energy. Exhaustion was no longer a myth to him, it was a daily fact. He found out very soon that if he didn't eat regularly, his stomach would throw a tantrum and demand to be filled up, which was a very irksome event that distracted Ulquiorra from performing his duties. The physiological needs of this shell he inhabited were far more in quantity and occurred far more often than they did when he was an Arrancar. In his past life, he didn't remember going to the bathroom even once. His daily grind was occupied with serving Aizen and performing multiple tasks through Hueco Mundo. He had never even thought that he might actually be interrupted by something as mundane and trivial as hunger.

Right now, his tongue yearned for fruit. A big, tasty, sour apple. Unlike the other people in this country, he kept his distance from fast-food restaurants like one would avoid staying in the same room with a plague victim. It was unfortunate that fresh fruits were so hard to find in this town; most supermarkets sold only stale garbage.

A large, ripe, green apple, freshly picked from an apple tree in a small garden. With peelings that shone under the sunrays like in a still life picture. There was a picture of a bowl, filled with fruit in his apartment. The apple in that picture was red and it topped the small mountain of natural tastiness, as if to signify the superiority of the apple above all other fruit. The apple was, after all, a fruit with religious and mythological semantics. The Forbidden fruit, which Eve so rashly took a bite of, was an apple. The fruit, which caused the dispute between the ancient Greek goddesses Hera, Athena and Aphrodite and eventually resulted in the Trojan war, was an apple. The apple was also rumored to be the favorite fruit of the Shinigami, a myth which Ulquiorra disregarded as false, seeing as he had fought real Shinigami in the past and they had not demonstrated in any way predilections for the mentioned fruit. Honestly, where did humans get their ideas from?...

Ulquiorra's foot smashed the break.

He had nearly run over a person.

Ulquiorra hadn't been human for long enough to become acquainted with sensations such as fear or concern for others. His face was as stiff as always. Only a small sparkle of surprise flickered in his eyes. He switched the breakdown lights on, turned the engine off and got off the truck.

Horns and yells were coming from behind the truck. Pedestrians were gathering around the scene, staring at the person that had somehow appeared in front of the garbage truck. The person in question was a small girl with blonde chin-length hair. She must have been twelve or thirteen years old. From what Ulquiorra could make out, she was dressed in tattered black and white clothes that barely covered her frail figure. She was curled on the ground, trembling in fright.

He crouched down and leaned closer to inspect her face. The girl raised her head to look at him.

Ulquiorra nearly swallowed his tongue in surprise.

He picked the girl up and carried to his truck. People were yelling at him, demanding an explanation, but the trash collector completely ignored them. He rested the girl on the seat next to him and closed the doors.  
"Screw the boss." Ulquiorra muttered to himself and started the engine. He slammed his hand on the claxon to scatter away the people in front of him, then he drove off.

Ulquiorra's apartment was in a run-down district to the northwest of town. That was the place where pocket-picking and vandalism were a daily basis. For some reason, the police here couldn't do anything about it, so the few people who lived here didn't tend to leave their apartments after dark. Locking the doors to your home was a must, but in most cases even that didn't work to prevent a determined robber.

The garbage man stopped the truck in front of the apartment building. He picked the girl up and placed her on his shoulder with her head dangling down his back. He entered the building and walked all the way up to the fifth floor, seeing as the elevator didn't work (nothing new here). He took out his keys, unlocked the door and entered in the small two-roomed apartment.

Ulquiorra rested the girl on his bed and covered her with a blanket. He pulled a chair and took a sit, then he rested his head on his hands and fixed his eyes on the girls face.

"Lilinette, what are you doing here?" He grumbled under his nose pensively.

* * *

**From the Author:** And that's the end of the first chapter. Nothing funny so far, I've been sticking to a more serious, realistic and dramatic mood. Things will brighten up later, I promise.


	2. Reason for Being Here

Chapter Two: **Reason For Being Here**

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach.

* * *

Ulquiorra stared at the sleeping little girl for what it seemed to be hours till her eyelids trembled. She slowly opened her pink eyes. Her gaze remained fixed straight ahead of her till it focused on Ulquiorra's white face.

Lilinette blinked.

"Ulquiorra?" She uttered out with her bubbling voice.

The man just stared at her from his sitting position.

The girl rose up in the bed and took a sitting position.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

His penetrating snake eyes remained directed at her.

"How did I get here?" She babbled out in confusion.

Big, green spheres, locked at her, drilling into the core of her mind…

She blinked again and asked in sincere, childish bewilderment:

"Why are you staring at me?"

Ulquiorra's face resembled the expression of a pagan god, hewn into the rocks by an unknown primal tribe. His lips parted as he spoke in his deep, mysterious voice:

"Your chest."

Lilinette stared at the former Espada for half a second before she directed her eyes at the point referrer to of her physique. Her face turned scarlet when she realized that her shirt, which was far too revealing to begin with, was in shreds, offering a lavish visual access to her small bosom. She shrieked in embarrassment and slapped Ulquiorra, sending him flying to the other end of the room. The girl cowered under the blanket and whined out.

Ulquiorra got out of the crack he had made in the wall. He had no idea how he would explain that to the landlord. He brushed the dust off him and spoke with an indignant voice:

"The reason for being so absorbed by that particular part of your body was not because of your apparent nudity, which I gallantly disregarded, but by the fact that you had retained your Hollow hole."

Lilinette took her head out of the blanket. She took a glance at the hole in her body and then looked straight in Ulquiorra's now-expressionless face.

"The hole's on my midriff, not on my chest, you pervert!" The girl protested stubbornly.

"I made a lexical mistake. Please, overlook the possibility of me being a lecher and answer my question."

"But you—"

"It is unthinkable that I can be a pervert." The man stated with the same confidence one would have when stating that water was wet. He repeated his question:

"Why do you still have your Hollow hole?"

Lilinette frowned.

"What do you mean by that?" She scratched her head pensively. "It has never gone anywhere!"

Ulquiorra started unbuttoned his green uniform. Lilinette freaked out:

"What the hell are you doing!?"

"I am asking you…" The garbage man spoke indifferently while taking off the blazer. "…Because four months ago, I woke up in this world…"

He threw it aside and then pulled his shirt up.

"…Like this."

The blonde's eyes widened in surprise.

Ulquiorra's torso was as skinny as always; there were no excessive fats, but there were no muscles either. The skin was the same pale color like the rest of his body. This was where the ordinary ended. There was no way Lilinette couldn't notice the lack of a gaping hole under his neck, where the collar-bones met. The number indicating his rank had also disappeared. Lilinette couldn't prevent herself from pointing out those obvious facts:

"Your hole and your number are—"

"Gone. Yes." He nodded and lowered his shirt. "Four months had passed since I was killed when I was reborn in this world. As a human. It makes no sense."

He sat on the edge of the bed. Lilinette retracted her feet to make more room for the man to sit on.

"Was there any point for that to happen to me?" Ulquiorra pondered while staring at the wall. "My existence here is completely useless. What is the point of living when you are not serving a master?"

"Humans believe in God." Lilinette added helpfully. "This gives them a reason to live."

The former Espada gave her a sidelong glance.

"Dedicating oneself blindly to serving an entity one has never seen, touched or talked to very rarely rationalizes an individual's existence. In most cases, it has the opposite effect: it brings more despair and helplessness in that person's life. Besides, people don't know how to serve God. They only believe in him and those two actions are radically different from each other. Actually, most people don't even know how to believe in God."

He turned himself towards the girl.

"How did you end up here?"

The Arrancar scowled her eyebrows and recalled memories in her head.

"I don't remember exactly…"

"Simply great." Ulquiorra muttered to himself.

"I do remember that someone hit me on the head..."

"I can see that it has completely shattered your mask." Ulquiorra noted.

"I also remember that I spent a lot of time in unconsciousness." She added with a finger on her lower lip.

"How do you know that you have spent a lot of time in unconsciousness when you have been unconscious when that must have happened?" He asked.

Lilinette stared at him in silence for a few seconds, then she let out a confused sound.

"How do you remember that you have been unconscious? When a person's unconscious, he doesn't remember being unconscious."

The girl took a minute to come up with an answer.

"Because I… don't remember it, I guess."

"But you said it yourself that you don't remember much. How can you be certain that you don't remember because you were unconscious?"

"But I remembered being unconscious!"

"There is no way one can remember being unconscious. Not being able to remember does not necessarily have to be a result of unconsciousness."

"Then why don't I remember?"

"Maybe because you… didn't memorize it."

The girl made a desperate expression and groaned out:

"My head is starting to hurt. Can I continue, please?"

"Please, do." Ulquiorra nodded.

When I came by, I saw that big thing with bright lights coming towards me and then you came out of it."

"It's called a garbage truck." The man explained. "You'll probably be seeing it very often, so remember its name."

Lilinette leaned her head forward, her curiosity kindled.

"What does a garbage truck do?"

"It picks trash up."

"Then what does it do with it?"

"It's a long story and I'm not in the mood for explanations right now."

"Come on, tell me!" Lilinette pouted.

"I'll tell you tomorrow." He concluded and stood up. He put his hands in his pockets like he used to do in his past life and spoke out loud:

"So… you aren't certain what happened to you, except for being hit on the head. That must have happened while you were fighting the Gotei 13."

The blonde nodded.

Ulquiorra rubbed his chin and turned his back at her. He stared at the dying sounds of the town outside the window.

"You've been hit on the head, the strike has broken your mask and sent you unconscious for a long period of time, approximately four months. You must have been floating in an area detached from the battlefield; there is no other explanation as to why you haven't been killed when you were out cold."

For the next minute, neither of the two spoke. Ulquiorra was trying to recreate the event of Lilinette's disappearance, while the girl was making efforts to recollect the memories in her head.

"You must have been displaced to the Garganta. Someone, probably Stark, must have opened the Garganta and sent you there, where you could drift in the void unthreatened by the Shinigami."

"Stark would do something like this. He's always overprotective towards me." The girl agreed.

"You've spend those four months inside the Garganta when the portal somehow opened and sent you flying here." Ulquiorra continued, his hand back on his chin. "However, there is no way a phenomenon like that could happen on its own. A person with knowledge of the Garganta has done this, no doubt. The question here is **who** did this? Only Arrancar can open this portal, with the exception of Urahara Kisuke."

"Maybe he did it?" Lilinette suggested.

"To what merit?" The Espada refuted her. "He would never willingly allow an Arrancar, one of Aizen's minions, to enter the human world and wreak havoc."

He strolled from one end of the room to the other, while thinking out loud:

"It also doesn't make sense that another Espada opened the Garganta and let you fly out of it here. Wouldn't it have been better if he had pulled you back to Hueco Mundo?"

"Unless someone's pulled a bad joke on me." Lilinette added.

"Stupid." Ulquiorra decided. "What is even more stupid is that I was reborn as a human in this world instead of ceasing to exist completely. It would have been far more pleasing to know that I have reached the end of my being."

Lilinette scowled.

"I've never heard of dead Arrancar reincarnating as humans." She said.

"Neither have I." Ulquiorra answered dully. "However, the situation I'm in proves that it is possible."

He placed his hands in his pockets and moved back to the window. He stood there, lost in his thoughts, then he turned around and said:

"Now, I would like to ask you to leave my bed and my apartment."

Lilinette's mouth hung open in dismay.  
"I allowed you to lay here till you recuperated. However, I cannot allow you to stay any longer."

"I got hit in the head and you nearly ran me over and now you're kicking me out!?" She exclaimed in indignation. "Can't you show some more hospitality! We're of the same kin!"

"No, we are not. Not any more. Whatever relations I bore to you and the other Arrancar are now gone. My Arrancar part died when my body was turned to dust four months ago. By some strange whim of fate, I have been given a second opportunity to exist, this time as a mortal human being. The only thing I have left from my previous life are my memories. This, however, doesn't change a thing. I am human. My duties to Aizen ended physically and psychologically with my death as an Arrancar. I owe him nothing anymore."

"So you're just going to keep living like this!? Like a filthy, earth-bound human, helpless to resist the laws of the material world, unable to resist his organic urges?! You are willingly choosing this pointless existence over the opportunity of being immortal and all-powerful?" She exclaimed angrily.

"Yes." Ulquiorra answered. "I don't desire power anymore. It is a long, difficult and tiresome path I am not willing to walk again."

"Cut the bullshit! You're an Espada! You can't turn your back on Aizen just like that!" Lilinette shot out and pointed at him.

Ulquiorra sighed in boredom.

"You are not using the correct tense in this situation. I **was**. I **am** **not**. Accept this reality."

The girl snorted in irritation. She turned her head aside disdainfully and murmured:

"If you're throwing me out, then at least give me something to wear. I can't go outside like that."

Ulquiorra stood up and walked to a wardrobe that was probably older than all the captains of the Gotei 13 combined.

"It is not like your clothes in their current conditions are more revealing than they usually are, but you are right." He said sarcastically. "Besides, humans cannot see you."

"Then why the hell can you see me? You're human, too."

"Apparently, I have preserved some of my reiatsu. This also appears to be a memento of my previous life." He answered and turned around. There was an oversized green t-shirt and baggy trousers in his hands. The man tossed them at Lilinette, who caught them rather discontentedly. She scrutinized the clothes and glanced at Ulquiorra with furrowed eyebrows.

"You want me to wear _these_? I'd rather walk around the way I am now."

"Do as you wish." Ulquiorra answered impartially. "I hope you find a way back to Hueco Mundo soon. It'd be annoying to see you wandering around town."

Lilinette glared at him gloomily. She shuffled the baggy clothes on and walked to the door. Before opening it, the girl threw Ulquiorra a sidelong glance and grumbled:

"Yeah… I wouldn't want you to feel guilty about it."

The door creaked open and the blonde left the room.

Ulquiorra sighed. He took his clothes off, took a quick shower and got in bed.

He lay there for a few minutes, his head resting on the hard pillow, his body covered in a blanket that seemed to heavy for him. He couldn't sleep. It somehow hurt when he closed his eyelids. Why did his head hurt like that? What was that unbearably heavy feeling inside his chest?

Ulquiorra stood up in his bed and stared at the window against his bed.

"Why can't I sleep? I've never felt like that before."

He placed a palm on his forehead and wiped some sweat that had broken out on his pale skin. He stared back at the window.

For the first time in his existence, he felt cold and lonely.

"What is this feeling…"

He lowered his head and stared in front of him.

"Is this what they call 'guilt'? Is this what 'remorse' feels like?"

The man got off his bed. He walked slowly to the window and started at the darkness outside. Tiny lights were flickering in the distance. They felt hundreds of miles away from him and his small, grey, lifeless apartment he had claimed as his home.

"Is this anguish caused by the unwise quirk of some godlike entity? Could there be a creature outside of this universe that is manipulating my emotions?"

He ran his hand through his hair, then he pressed his temples with both hands.

"Maybe if I go out and find this girl, apologize to her and offer her to stay, this annoying feeling will go away?"

He went over to the wardrobe and took out a shirt.

"But where am I going to search for her? She might be miles away from here. Or she might have already found a way to Hueco Mundo?"

Ulquiorra put on a coat and some shoes. He took a flashlight. The man was well-acquainted with the notoriety of the district he lived in, especially at night, so he didn't hesitate taking a pocket knife, as well. He went to the door and turned the handle. The door opened.

When he walked out, he nearly tripped in something lying on his doorstep.

He looked down and saw Lilinette, curled up in a ball and sleeping right in front of his door. The man sighed.

"Hey." He called and started poking her with his finger.

The girl opened her eyes drowsily and stared at the man towering above her.

"What are you doing there?"

The girl rubbed her eyes and uttered in a husky voice:

"I… didn't find a better place to crash down, so… I went back here…"

"You can come in." The man spoke with an even tone. The girl opened her mouth in surprise, but Ulquiorra interrupted while rolling his eyes:

"Don't ask any questions. Just get inside. It's embarrassing having a homeless girl sleeping on my doorstep."

* * *

**From the Author**: That's it for this chapter. See ya soon!


	3. Breakfast

Chapter Three: **Breakfast**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

* * *

Ulquiorra was awakened by a sharp stench that made his nose wrinkle in disgust. When he opened his eyes and stood up in the bed, the image of a overdone to black toast appeared inches away from his face, along with the powerful smell of scorched bread coming from it.

"Good morning, Ulquiorra-san!" Lilinette chirped from the other side of the plate with the toast. She was dressed in a… Oh, god… that horrible pink apron with Konata's face on it. "I made you breakfast!"

Ulquiorra shot an indignant glare at the girl, then stared at the toast.

"_What_ _are_ _you_ _doing_?" He inquired with his customary detached tone, which seemed so much more threatening at the moment.

Lilinette snickered sheepishly. "Um… I thought I'd make you something to eat. Humans need to eat bread and stuff to live, unlike Arrancar. So…"

"How in the name of every known deity am I supposed to consume this overdone slice of bread without poisoning myself?" Ulquiorra said witheringly.

The blonde sulked.

"Why can't you be appreciative of my determination to help you start off your day well?" She murmured gloomily.

"Because even though your intentions are of the most earnest benevolent, you still fail miserably at executing them correctly." The man answered emotionlessly and got up. He looked around for his clothes, completely unbothered by the fact that he was dressed in a pair of boxers and a sweatshirt. One noticeable change in the position of a number of items came to his attention. "Lilinette, I don't recall giving you permission to rummage through those magazines."

She glanced at the pile of magazines, most of them erotic comics and hentai from the previous owner of the apartment, and grinned in abashment. She fiddled with her fingers as she started speaking, with a small blush on her face: "Well, I saw you had a lot of comics on the shelves, so I thought I'd give them a look…"

"These _are_ _not_ _ordinary_ _comics_." Ulquiorra stressed while drilling a hole in Lilinette's face with his eyes.

"So I noticed… There was this one comic when a boy and a girl were alone in the park, and the girl started touching the boy on his—"

"You were not supposed to read those… those…" Seriously, why didn't he throw those useless porn magazines in the trash the moment he settled down in here? It's not like he was ever going to read them, let alone… 'use' them. "It had stuff children like you must stay away from!"

Lilinette's face flushed red in anger. "I am not a kid! I'm an Arrancar! I can do anything I want, seeing as there is no way I can be underage physically!"

"The concept of underage restriction may be rendered useless when it concerns immortal and non-aging creatures such as Arrancar. However, in your case, you have the psyche and sense of responsibility of a teenager, so I cannot allow you to stay anywhere near those perverted books." Ulquiorra explained while picking up the hentai.

"Give me a break!" She exclaimed in protest. "Just who the hell do you think you are to order me around anymore!? You're no longer an Espada; you're a stinkin human! Stop acting like you're my dad or something!"

"If you want to continue living in this apartment, you will have to follow my rules." Ulquiorra stated firmly. He placed the magazines in a bag, then pulled on some trousers and a shirt and faced the girl. "Now let's go out and eat."

"Go out!? Aren't you going to eat your toast?"

"I'm not certain even a rat would be willing to eat that toast. Furthermore, there is very little food in the fridge, so we'll buy some groceries while we're out for breakfast."

Lilinette grumbled something incoherently under her nose and threw the toast in the garbage bin.

* * *

Ten minutes later, they were out on the streets, walking from the small alley towards the main avenue, where the flow of people was drastically greater.

"So where are we going?" Lilinette asked.

"I already told you. We are going to get something to eat."

"Is it anywhere close around here?"

"It is just two minutes to walk to it. Your feet won't get tired."

"What do they serve there?"

"Whatnot."

"Why did you say 'we' earlier? You know fairly well that I don't need to eat, because I'm an Arrancar."

"I just want to ascertain something." Ulquiorra answered evenly. "Are you sure you are not hungry?"

"Positively."

"Anyway, how do you feel in this world?"

Lilinette blinked in confusion. Ulquiorra asked the question completely out of the blue.

"Fine, I guess. It's kind of nice..."

"It's the beginning of September, so the weather is still sunny and warmer than what autumn should be like. Today is a bit on the windy side, don't you agree?"

"Yes." Lilinette answered after a short pause. She didn't know where Ulquiorra was going with those questions. "It was cold when we were under shade, but out here feels really nice."

She was dressed in one of the few cleaner shirts of the former tenant. It still seemed like she had huddled on a sack on herself, but at least she didn't feel so… tainted by wearing it."

"Does that shirt feel?"

"It feels… nice. It's too big, though."

"Obviously, seeing as it was made for a man three times wider and twice taller than you. You are not cold, are you?"

"Just a little."

Ulquiorra slowed down, then stopped. He turned around and beheld her. Lilinette was already on her guard, so it didn't start her.

"So my guess was right."

"What guess?"

"That you are becoming human."

The girl stared at him dumbfounded. She started laughing, but it came forced and unnatural out of her throat.

"I'm becoming human!? That's impossible. There's no way that can be happening…"

"You can feel the changes in the temperature. You can feel the wind. All of this means that you are subjected to the physical laws of this world. You are no longer an ethereal, spiritual entity."

"Bullcrap! I'm telling you I'm not becoming human!"

"Also, last night when I found you lying on the street, all those people who happened to be near the spot were looking at **you**, not me or my truck. They could clearly see you."

"How the hell am I supposed to be turning human?! Unlike you, I never died as an Arrancar and I was never reincarnated as human."

"That's true. And yet, this paradox is taking place right now, before our eyes."

"Then how can you explain the fact that I haven't gotten hungry by now?" Lilinette asked tartly.

"Your organism is probably still undergoing transformation from Arrancar to human."

"Then why the fuck do I still have my Hollow hole!?"

Ulquiorra scratched his chin.

"That is the most mysterious detail of your strange case. Any human with a hole replacing his stomach would surely be a dead one. I might venture a guess that your Arrancar body has somehow… traversed from being immaterial to material."

Lilinette goggled in horror.

"I don't want to become human!" She exclaimed angrily. "I'm not going to accept this fact!"  
"When a bug gets crushed by an elephant, it never has a say in it. When a tree gets knocked down by a fierce storm, the storm doesn't ask the tree if it likes it or not. The same goes in your situation. Also, we should stop talking about this for the moment; we are attracting too much attention."

The girl looked around. Here and there were people watching their conversation from a distance with quizzical stares. Lilinette instantly stared off somewhere else as she and Ulquiorra resumed their walk.

It was a small café with tables and chairs placed right next to the street behind a wooden fence. A single waitress was moving around the tables, taking orders from the few customers who had come this early today, most of them retired folk. Ulquiorra and Lilinette took a seat close to the entrance of the café.

"By the way, don't you have work today? I'm not sure if it's okay for you to be idling around with me." Lilinette said.

"It's Sunday. Today is my day off. I'll be able to spend some time with you. However, don't get too comfortable with it, you might have to get going soon."

"How cold." Lilinette grumbled. "You find a girl lying helpless and unconscious on the road and you can open your heart up to her only for a day? I didn't think you'd try to chase me out so soon."

"As long as opening my heart doesn't involve letting you become a freeloader in my apartment. First of all, I don't earn enough to support two people and pay my taxes at the same time. Second, if you really are becoming human, then this means the laws of human society will take effect on you, too. I can't have you live in my apartment without having parental rights over you and adopting you is the last thing I want to do. Don't take it as an offense."

Lilinette scowled at him.

"Is there a third reason?" She asked coldly.

"Yes. If it turns out your becoming human is just superficial and that you have not lost your Arrancar identity, you'll have to return to Hueco Mundo."

Lilinette was about to retort when the waitress, a pretty eighteen-year-old girl, showed up by her side with the most amiable smile possible.

"May I have your orders?" She chirped out.

"Orange juice as usual, Grace. Make them two glasses this time." Ulquiorra answered in an even voice.

"Oh! And who is this precious thing!?" Grace exclaimed pleasantly and looked at Lilinette, who stared back with all the hostility her gaze could muster, hinting the waitress that treating her like a child would result in a slow, excruciating death. The girl completely overlooked that stare. "I didn't know you have a daughter, Ulquiorra!"

Lilinette choked. Ulquiorra delayed his answer slightly longer than necessary. His disturbance leaked out on his wan face. "She is **not** my daughter. She is just… an acquaintance. Her… father is not present at town at the moment, so I am looking after her. Making sure she doesn't cause any trouble."

"**Why, you!—"**

"She is so adorable!" The waitress exclaimed in sisterly tenderness. "I wish my little sister was as cute as you!"  
Lilinette's irresistible urge to punch a hole in Ulquiorra's head was lulled by the sudden deluge of compliments from Grace's side. The little Arrancar found herself blushing awkwardly, completely dumbfounded.

"You two look so cute together! I seriously thought you were related!!" Grace kept on tweeting in her sweet voice. Ulquiorra took much curiosity in people like Grace. Mostly because he wondered how they were still living breathing organisms when they had no brain in their heads. His only supposition was that they were some kind of subhuman species that evolved from earth worms.

"We'll also like two ham sandwiches, please. That will be all, Grace." Ulquiorra finished his order and the waitress scurried in the café. Lilinette stared after her slim figure with unfathomable perplexity.

"What the hell was she?" She muttered out at some point.

"Just one of the beatific people blessed with ignorance and irrationality."

"I don't recall asking you to order for me." Lilinette nagged at him. "You know perfectly well that I'm not hungry."

"We shall see soon. It is just part of my experiment to determine whether you really are turning human or not."

"Your logic seems to be slipping terribly."

"Why is that?"

"How exactly am I supposed to eat food when I don't have a stomach? My hole is exactly where it's supposed to be."

The man rubbed his chin pensively while fixing Lilinette with his piercing green eyes. The girl felt uncomfortable, as if she was being probed thoroughly by an alien from inside and out. Five minutes passed in total silence. Grace came and went, leaving their food and drinks on the table. Finally, Ulquiorra came to a decision.

"Lilinette, raise your shirt."

The girl's jaw dropped in astonishment.

"**What**!?"

"Need I repeat myself?"

"W-What kind of perverted thing do you ask me for, you moron!?" She stammered indignantly with wide eyes.  
"I want to see your midriff."

Lilinette was about to lash at him when she understood what he was having in mind.

"What's the point of checking if the hole is still there when we both know that it is?!" She inquired with vexation. "I saw it this morning when dressing up; I _assure_ you it's there."

"You displayed some changes when you and I went out this morning. It may have disappeared."

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Lilinette sighed and leaned on her seat. "How can something like a hole in one's body disappear just like that?"

"If your hole hasn't disappeared, then why isn't the shirt you are wearing right now sinking in the place where the hole is supposed to be?"

Lilinette's mug shifted from irritated to alarmed. Without thinking much about it, she raised her shirt above her belly and gaped at it. She never even felt the change in her bodily composition or her weight. The hole in her abdomen had disappeared, completely covered by flesh and blood. The girl's eyes went wide in amazement. Ulquiorra's gaze remained as concentrated and dull as always.

"Where is it!?" She exclaimed in a high voice, attracting a number of confused glances from the other tables around them. "It was right there just a while ago!"

The former Espada intertwined his fingers and leaned his chin on his hands. "So my theory is correct. You really are becoming human."

Lilinette gaped at him with a face full of bafflement.

"You may have also noticed that absolutely everyone here acknowledges your presence. You are not invisible, nor you are immaterial." He went on in a more hushed tone as he leaned forward. Sweat broke out on Lilinette's aghast face. Her skin was about to turn paler than Ulquiorra's. She leaned back on the chair, her lips shut tight and a vein pulsating on her forehead.

The man took his glass of orange juice. "Now, drink your juice and eat your food."

Lilinette folder her arms stubbornly. "And what if I don't want to eat it?"

His eyebrows twitched. That wasn't a good sign.

"If you refuse to eat your breakfast, I will be forced to exercise my authority as an adult over you and disregard your right of free will for the sake of your own well-being. In other words, I will use any means to persuade you to consume your food, even if that means tying your hands behind your back and forcing the food down your throat. Now, have I stated myself clearly _enough or do I need to apply other methods to bring you to your senses?"_

The ham sandwich and the juice disappeared faster than one could say "A very effective threat".

"Very good." He said calmly. "Now let's go. I have to think what to do with you somewhere more quiet."

* * *

**From the Author:** Done with chapter 3. When is the next one coming up? I have no idea. I just hope you liked reading it. Review when done, please!


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